There goes my baby
There are times in our lives when we know we are being touched by something larger than ourselves. The experience often leaves us speechless. It makes us bow down in deep awe and amazement of the mystery of this world. And often, in those moments, we are closer to our personal Divine than ever before. A child’s birth, the exchange of wedding vows, a death or everyday serendipities are examples of those moments.
I had an experience like this that changed my life forever. I want to share it with you so you can evoke your own memories of a time when you felt like you were touched by the Indescribable. I also want to invite you to visit the places in your life where you felt powerless, a victim of the circumstances. Maybe your lover left you. Maybe you lost your house, money or health.
Then I want you to find that small, quiet voice within you that whispers: everything is possible. Everything happens for a reason. Let the voice be there even if the rest of you doubts, resists and holds on to your limiting beliefs about your own magnificence, power and purity. Be skeptical. Don’t believe what you have told yourself you are capable of, because you have already changed. That was then, now is now. Allow this little voice to take you to a new place of limitless possibility, a new landscape. For once, let this voice speak up and guide you. Simply listen. And, don’t believe anything I say, either, because then you won’t be able to really listen to your own truth. I’m only sharing a story that was true to me, my point of view. I invite you to reflect it back to your own life and find your own story.
I married my husband knowing he did not want to have children. I married him also knowing that I would be a mother one day. I have often felt my children’s presence in my life, almost like they are watching me and the choices I make. I knew this disagreement about children could set us apart one day. At some level I also knew that it could bring us closer to each other—or at least it would bring me closer to my personal power. So far all of the above has happened, and the experience has also stretched me to let go of all my expectations and attachments. This disagreement has turned out to be not just about children. It also became an internal disagreement that put me face-to-face with my own limitations to the point where I have had to redefine my beliefs about marriage, about commitment and about personal power again and again.
One Wednesday afternoon in October 2009, I found out I was pregnant. The news sent us on a profound and emotional wave. My husband was still certain he did not want to be a father. I was confused and scared. This was a moment of Truth. How could we honor each other’s truth while staying true to ourselves? How could we be sure that our choices would be in alignment with the absolute reason for us being on this planet? I was clear I did not want a Western-style clinical abortion. The choices left were very few.
The next day I reached out to a friend who was available to guide me and my husband through a powerful meditation. This was the beginning of a three-day miracle.
My husband and I went through a very powerful journey where I was able to meet and communicate with this beautiful baby spirit. I asked if she was willing to leave on her own. I explained to her that the timing wasn’t right and that we would not be able to give her what she needed at this time. I also asked if she had any information for me. She said the reason she had arrived wasn’t to bring chaos or confusion to our lives, but clarity. She said that what my husband and I were creating together didn’t have enough clarity and purpose. She was so beautiful, gentle and strong. I loved her from the very first moment, yet I knew I needed to let her go. She agreed to leave, but said she might need some help.
I found out that Dr. Richard Bartlett happened to be in town at the time. A developer of Matrix Energetics, a complete system of healing, self-care and transformation, Dr. Bartlett visits San Francisco only once or twice a year. As soon as I heard he was in town, I felt a strong pull to see him. I had never met him before, but my husband had taken a couple of his seminars. I knew I needed to talk to him.
After his seminar on Friday night, I approached him and asked if he could hold space for the baby spirit to move on. This man is like a giant, with a huge heart and presence. He was wearing a black leather suit and big boots and I knew right away I was in good hands. He held his hands in front of me and I closed my eyes. First, nothing happened, and he said he could tell I was still holding on to her in my chest. I released the cord, and right in that moment I saw two tall white angels coming down from the sky, taking the baby’s hand and lifting her back to the Source. I had never seen angels or any energy beings before, and my whole body started shaking from the high vibration rushing through my body.
Richard gave me a big bear hug and a very generous loving smile. He wanted to make it very clear that this had nothing to do with him. The right timing, and my belief that it was possible, led to a moment where the spirit released herself back to her original place. I made it to the hallway and sat down on the floor and wept. I was filled with gratitude for this being and her willingness to be in service in this way. I wished her a safe journey back home.
The next day was Halloween. We had a quiet evening at home, integrating all that had happened. My period started that night. Tears in my eyes, I kept repeating: this is a miracle. This is a miracle. And yet, it wasn’t. It was an agreement. This is exactly what she told me she would do. She would leave. On her own.
Somewhere underneath the relief, I felt disappointment. I looked at my husband and a wave of resentment wanted to rush over me. There was a part of me that still thought it would be easier to blame him for not wanting to keep this child than feel my own feelings and take responsibility. A part of me wanted to collapse and be a victim. Yet, the bigger part of me embraced and surrendered to the beauty of this moment. I had been touched by Grace and I still wanted to feel like a victim? I laughed at my own conditioning that was so deep and so damn stubborn.
The next day, Planned Parenthood followed up to see what I wanted to do about the pregnancy. I went in and told them the baby was gone. They were quite confused because my hormone levels were still high yet they could not see the fetus inside my womb. The nurse was worried that I had an ectopic pregnancy. They sent me to the emergency room, and after six hours of trying to figure out what was going on, the doctor gave up. He wanted me to promise that I would go back to Planned Parenthood in a few days to make sure the hormone levels had gone back to zero.
After a few days my hormone levels had dropped and the pregnancy test showed negative. The process had ended.
Life was back to normal. And yet nothing felt normal.
An abortion that happens without outside interference brings an element of profound peace and healing, especially when all parties are being acknowledged, heard and respected. A clinical abortion can also be a healing experience if done consciously. It takes willingness to confront all the feelings, take responsibility for your own part and forgive all the parties involved, especially yourself. The more clear your energetic space is of negativity, the more light can pour in to assist and transform.
Ever since this experience, I have felt stronger and more empowered in myself. I think it is because I chose to stay true to myself and not compromise my integrity. I chose to stay in the present moment. I chose to stay in love instead of in fear. And miracles are only possible in the present moment. If my mind had been trapped in projections about the future, I would have missed the opportunity for expansion and divine intervention. I can now trust my abilities to dance and co-create with the Universe and not feel hopeless in any situation.
Where there is a conflict, there is always a solution. All we need to do is be clear about what we want, trust that we are powerful beyond limits and be strong for the outcome. And redefine “happy ending”. It does not always mean that we get what we thought we needed or wanted in order to be happy. What our mind wants is not always in alignment with our Spirit, with the bigger picture. We need to be willing to drop our childlike persistence to have things our way. We need to listen. We are all playing a part in a bigger story, and the script does not always make sense in the moment, but it will in the end. Don’t ruin the ending. Sit back, be entertained and amaze yourself.
© Riikka Rajamaki